Performance Marketing

Below are four samples of 500-word performance marketing emails I wrote for a client specializing in health and wellness for both humans and pets. (Contact me for tips on how to build that banana wall 😉.)

— The Secret to Going from Sinful to Superfood —

Hey busy human,

Another long day is over. You’re home. Chores are done, bills are paid, everyone is tucked in for the night. And now…finally…it’s Me Time.

Your desires are simple. All you want to do is curl up on the couch, veg out, watch that Netflix series you’re two seasons into. Just a little peace and quiet, relaxation, and…

You know what would make this better? What would really put the chill in your chilling out…

Ice cream.

YES! Ooh…that cold bowl in your hands, your spoon carving up each mouthful like a frozen delight for the gods. Yes!…That’s exactly what the moment needs. Ahhhhh! Gimme! It doesn’t even matter what flavor – yes! Let’s. Have. It. NOW!

But…wait a sec. What about that diet? What about swimsuit season that’s coming up? You can’t dive into a bowl of ice cream every night if you want to maintain that bod or shed a few pounds. And you know the Significant Other isn’t going to like seeing that sad artifact of former glory known as the dirty ice cream bowl displayed in the sink like a bombed-out battleship.

What are you thinking?

If only there were some kind of healthy alternative…something that could replace that fattening frosty feast…

Guess what. I’ve got the answer.

Ever had a banana smoothie? They’re pretty common, very tasty. Not many folks think of them as a dessert but rather as a meal replacement, a “health” food. And sure, that’s all true. But I’ve got a little trick that I do every night. Here it is in the form of a memorable formula:

LOTS + RIPE = MAGIC

Most smoothies use only 2 or 3 bananas and even then they play a supporting role in the recipe. But in my method, bananas take center stage. The key is to freeze them when they are very ripe but not too ripe – it takes some practice to find the sweet spot. Once you’ve got it, you’ll have sweeter bananas than you would normally eat. Also, to make this work, you’ve got to use lots of ¼-inch bananas. I fill my blender cup to about 90% capacity. This makes the smoothie thicker, so you need a spoon to enjoy it.

Add in some vanilla-flavored protein powder, a splash of unsweetened vanilla almond milk. Blend for 1 minute, add raw walnuts and almonds (and dark chocolate chips – shh, our little secret), and you’ve got a KILLER treat to go along with that serial killer show you’re bingeing.

I’ve made these banana smoothies every night for five years. They have completely replaced my nightly craving for a bowl of the fat stuff. No, it’s not as good as actual ice cream…

It’s better. My smoothies are chock-full of nutrients, and, with the addition of the protein, make a powerful 1-2 punch of nutrition and flavor. And I never miss the heavy stuff!

This smoothie is ready for prime Me Time, my friend.

Once you’re ready, contact me for a foolproof banana-processing method, and why you need a “banana wall” and how to build one!

— Words Are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain into a Paper Cup —

The familiar words from The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” describe our thoughts sometimes, don’t they? They way they are flowing, slithering, drifting, possessing, forming ideas, phrases, thoughts, impulses…all these random machinations of the mind! They pop up like words or images and there’s barely time to make sense of something before it’s taken over by a new, more vivid or more mundane thought. We also have to drive, go to work, talk to that person, take care of that thing–all the while our mind is processing wondering processing asking processing…How do we make sense of this?

And let’s not forget that forever nagging voice that says “You’re not good enough,” and “What were you thinking?” The constant critic, the expert in self-hate that seems set out to destroy us from within.

What’s it all mean? And why can’t I just…relaaaaax…

Meditation is the attempt to let those thoughts settle like tea leaves that have been stirred in a cup of hot water. But sometimes meditation is not enough. The stillness is wonderful, but throughout the day, we need our minds to be alert and in harmony with our best interests. The problem is that those thoughts are often discordant, clanking around like boots in a dryer. We need a way for our thoughts to remain free and active yet used in a positive way.

What if we were able to put a leash on those random thoughts, haul them in, wrangle them down, tame them like wild broncos, and then convert them into action? What if we could simply recognize these random thoughts as something with potential?

Here’s a little not-so-secret secret I learned a few years ago that has helped me organize the daily anarchy in my head. It’s helped me find clarity in my thinking and has helped ease my anxiety and silence that inner critic. It’s simple: daily journaling.

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the benefits of journaling:

Improved mental clarity: A daily journal helps organize thoughts and clear the mind, making it easier to focus.
Stress reduction: The physical act of writing about feelings and experiences can alleviate stress and generate a feeling of release. It’s relaxing.
Enhanced self-reflection: With journaling you get that kind of introspection that can lead to greater self-awareness and personal growth, helping to focus your thinking.
Boosted creativity: You’d be shocked at how journaling kickstarts your creative thinking. The connection between the creative subconscious and the operational conscious is opened up, allowing your creativity to surface.
Goal tracking: Pretty straightforward. Writing down your goals and revisiting that list each day has a lasting effect that will help you stay focused throughout your busy day, when those wild broncos really start bucking!

The tools are common items I’m almost positive you have: a pen or pencil and a notebook (of course, you can get a little obsessive about these like–ahem–some people).

It’s also a good idea to start with a time limit. I do 20 minutes a pop. Yep! That’s it. Write anything that comes to mind. Do it regularly, and after a few months, see how this changes your thoughts and overall well-being.

Jai guru deva om!

— We Need to Talk About Dog Poo —

I’m sure you are a conscientious dog owner and that you clean up after your pup regularly. You are very likely the type of dog dad or mutt mom that always has bags, maybe even a favorite brand, and wastes no time in the gathering of waste. This email, my friend, is for you.

First off, let me say bravo. We all owe you a debt of gratitude for being a respectful dog owner and not turning from a turd the way so many do. The world is a cleaner and healthier place because of folks like you.

The problem here, as you and I both know, is that not all dog owners are as diligent about cleaning up after their pups as you and me. Funny thing is, you rarely see people in-person actually not pick up the poop. Deep down, these individuals know that they should, but if no one’s looking they feel like they can get away with it. Right? And when people see petrified poops then they feel they can get away with it because, hey, look at all the others that aren’t picking it up.

What can we, the upright and responsible, do about these scofflaws if we can’t catch them in the act?

I propose that we get the word out that choosing to not properly pick up after your pet is detrimental to your health, your pet’s health, and the health of those around you. I’m calling for a public health campaign where we blanket the country with the following information:

Dog waste left on the ground can be washed into storm drains and waterways, leading to water pollution.
Dog feces can contain harmful bacteria and parasites which pose health risks to humans, especially children who might come into contact with contaminated soil or water.
Picking up helps control the spread of diseases that can be transmitted between dogs, and from dogs to humans.
Dog waste is disgusting and unpleasant. It can attract pests and create an awful environment for others.
Responsibility is a huge part of owning a pet. Proper disposal of dog waste shows respect for both the animal and the community. C’mon, you’re a grown-up now.
Don’t be schmuck. You’re making us all look bad when you leave it there.

Let’s get the word out! We need t-shirts, yard signs, bumper stickers – anything that we can print a message on – that say this simple and direct phrase: Pick it up!

Reply to this email if you want to be a part of the movement (ha!). There are plenty of famous dog owners who feel passionately about this and we’re likely to find a few who will get on board with us. We’ll hit social media with our effective, sharp phrase – Pick it up! – and soon we’ll be hearing the words said anywhere there’s an inviting patch of grass for your pooch’s poo.

Just think: You may have stepped in your last pile of someone else’s negligence.

— If You Could Eat the Same Thing for the Rest of Your Life, It Would Be… —

Waffles! A big pile of golden waffles topped with handmade butter and 100% pure maple syrup tapped right from the trees of Vermont filling in all the little flavor squares…yum! Don’t you want to just plunge your face right into ‘em?

Absolutely! You’ll find no argument here. In fact, few things can activate the human taste buds better than thinking about those decadent waffles.

If you have a dog, I’m going to ask you to switch gears a little– and this will take some brain power on your part– but imagine that the bowl of hard, dry dog kibble that rests somewhere in your home is as scrumptious and mouth-watering as the waffles.

Because that’s what your pup thinks.

Oh boy! That gleaming silver bowl with meat protein, whole grains, dehydrated peas, plant oils and beet pulp condensed into hard little pellets are so magically delicious!

But here’s the bad news: Just like you and I can’t have waffles every single day, neither should your hound have her hound waffles. (Hound Waffles? Not a bad idea for a dog food, right? Who’s with me?)

Something every dog owner should keep in mind, is that not only is it healthier to rotate your dog’s food, it’s good to do so in order to keep things interesting for her. Waffles are great today. Maybe tomorrow, too…OK, maybe a month of waffles, but after that? Humans don’t eat the same thing every day and neither should our pets.

Here a few excellent reasons to rotate the chow:

- Reduced Food Sensitivities: Feeding the same protein daily can increase the likelihood of food sensitivities over time. By switching between proteins (like chicken, lamb, or salmon), you lower the chance of developing intolerances to specific meats.

- Mimics Natural Diets: Wild dogs eat a variety of foods based on how available they are naturally. Rotation better reflects this kind of natural variation and lines up with dogs’ natural instincts and evolutionary needs.

- Digestive Health: Dogs’ digestive systems can get too accustomed to one food. Rotating diets means their digestion can adapt, reducing the risk of stomach upset– which is no fun for anyone.

- Nutritional Balance: Even the best dog foods can have slight imbalances or nutrient excesses. Changing foods regularly helps prevent prolonged exposure to these, promoting better long-term health.

Here are some things to remember about rotating your pup’s food:

- Introduce new foods gradually to avoid digestive upset.

- Consider rotating every 1-3 months or even seasonally.

- Pay attention to your dog’s preferences and any allergies, and choose quality foods with different primary proteins.

Just like us, dogs get bored eating the same darn thing all the time. New flavors and textures stimulate their senses and make mealtime more enjoyable. And I’m convinced they remember these little perks, too. You’ll definitely get some extra love and bolstered reputation when your pup brags to the other pups about how awesome you are.

How else you gonna get that kind of cred in the yard?